Beyond Normal
by Noki-chan
Summary: Current Summary: Sasori's gone missing, Itachi's sleeping in the bathroom, and Konan's forced to share a bunk bed with Hidan. Hilarity/horror ensues. R&R!
1. Lemony Fresh

Beyond Normal

**A/N: Well, Chapter One is up. Unlucky Sasori. D: Although I'd probably be one of the people messing up the house, I can't help but feel a little sorry for the poor guy. So anyway...yeah. R&R!**

Late one night, in a place far away, in the Akatsuki's domain, a certain redhead was obsessively cleaning up the bathroom. Sasori neurotically arranged the mats and curtains, even going so far as to use a yardstick to line things up perfectly. He flushed the toilet near-constantly, always spraying a few ounces of lovely lemony fresh Febreze directly into the toilet bowl after each time he yanked on the wonderfully shiny silver handle. After carefully sanitizing everything in the room twice and busily arranging the toothbrushes according to where the tint of the toothbrush sat in the color spectrum, Sasori backed out of the room. Finally, he was able to stand back and appreciate his hard day's work - the entire hideout was spotless. Every inch, from Deidara's trademark-messy studio to Pein's origami collection, was utterly spic and span. He had bits of explosive clay jammed so deep in his joints that he thought they might never come out, and he had small black hairballs clinging to his hands from when he had to pull the junk out of Itachi's hairbrush, but despite the chunks of ceramic stuck in his knees and the Uchiha fur that seemed to be glued to his fingers, Sasori was sublimely happy. The former Sunagakure ninja's wooden nose was full of lemon-scented Febreze goodness, and everything was, as Tobi once said, in pumpkin-pie order.

And then _they_ came.

With a roar that rivaled that of a stampeding herd of elephants, Zetsu, Tobi, Kakuzu, Hidan, Deidara, Itachi, Kisame, Konan, and Pein burst in through the door laughing and shouting and swearing at the top of their voices. More importantly, their _shoes. _Their _horrible shoes. _Tracking mud and water and quite possibly some animal crap all over the floors that Sasori had just dedicated his entire day to scrubbing until he could see his reflection. The puppet just stood there at the top of the stairs, watching his work come undone in a millisecond with hollow eyes. Forcing his carved arms to his sides, the missing-nin greeted his messy comrades with a chilly look. They were not going upstairs. Not in a thousand years was that rabble getting anywhere near the beautifully clean rooms, the sparkling bathrooms, the perfectly plumped pillows, and over all, _his puppets. _He'd carefully lubricated each joint, brushed each lock of hair, polished each dead, staring face until his own arms and neck were stiff and achy.

Of course, his wishes had no impact on the matter. Hidan swiftly pushed Sasori to the side as he rushed upstairs, scythe nearly lopping the redhead's head off. Feeling numb, more numb than he'd felt in a long, long time, he watched twenty-four hours of mind-numbing, back-breaking labor unravel. A single thought ran through in Sasori's mind a million times. _Oh, how I want to kill them... _He was abruptly brought out of his ruminations when a vivacious Deidara bounced in front of Akasuna no Sasori's face and sang out happily, "Danna! Danna, Danna, Danna! Danna, are you asleep on your feet, un? I bet you're tired from cleaning and cleaning everywhere all day, un! Hidan said that you were such an anal-retentive neat freak; you needed a break, un! You should have come with us to the theme park; it was so much fun, un! Tobi stole Kakuzu's wallet and bought you a souvenir T-shirt, un!" The redheaded puppet actually considered calling Hiruko from upstairs and squeezing that annoying blonde brat in the coils of Hiruko's strong wooden tail until he popped like a balloon. But of course, that would leave him without a partner again. And being partner-less in the Akatsuki meant that you were a much easier target. Even an idiot like Tobi knew that.

So Sasori simply ignored Deidara's silly babblings, choosing to coldly drill the cheery twerp with his famed death stare. Finally getting tired of being ignored when he just needed some attention, Deidara left in a huff to scream at Tobi for messing with one of the many clay birds that Sasori had so neatly arranged in his room.

And they wondered why he seemed so emotionless towards his teammates.


	2. Lost in the US of A

As the first fingers of sunlight began to creep through her tightly shut blinds, an ever-faithful alarm clock jumped onto her bed and began licking in her ear. Abruptly woken, the girl shoved her bouncy German shepherd back onto the floor and sat up slowly, stretching to relieve herself of nighttime stiffness.

"Hey, Kin, could you wake me up a little earlier next time?" the young girl groaned as she tugged on a pair of worn-out jeans and a striped long-sleeved shirt. The dog barked twice in joy and ran downstairs. "Kinde! God, chill out!" the girl shouted down the stairwell as she yanked a brush through her slightly-longer-than-shoulder-length hair. She sighed as she tossed the brush aside and strolled into the bathroom to find her toothbrush. The stupid dog was always up at the crack of dawn so she could get a leisurely morning walk in, even though the shepherd had all day. As she flipped the switch on her electric toothbrush, the girl absentmindedly spun the toothpaste tube in the air and tried to catch it. Well, she tried.

"OW! Dammit!" she yelped as her hand closed on empty air and the tube hit her foot, the sharp edge of the cap leaving a cut on her toe. Blood quickly flowed out of the gash. Clenching the toothbrush in her teeth, the girl pressed down on the injured digit as she searched the medicine cabinet for a band-aid. Then, just as she was peeling off the adhesive, a loud bang, crash, and thump sounded from downstairs. "Kin! What in the hell did you do?" she bellowed, very irritated at how her morning had started.

Half-falling downstairs as she stuck the thing onto her foot, the irate young woman found her pet cowering behind the kitchen door. "Mmm? What is it, Kin? What's wrong?" The tan-and-black dog whined and hid behind her master's jeans. The last time Kin had been this scared, it was when a burglar had gotten in and made off with the stereo system. Oh, god, was it another burglar? In the kitchen? What were they taking now, the microwave? Ha, that was a good one. What kind of a retarded burglar would try to steal her broken old microwave? But really, this was serious. Someone was definitely in the kitchen. And if Kin was scared, then there was a very good reason to fear whoever was in there; the easygoing pup almost never was afraid.

"Ugghh...brat, what did you...the hell? where am I?" someone in the kitchen moaned. Whoever had just said that was without a doubt trying to make off with something. The girl grabbed up a broom that had been propped up against the wall, and burst in the door with a loud BANG.

A young man about her age lay sprawled on the floor, his gangly limbs akimbo. He was wearing what looked suspiciously like pajamas, which were black with red clouds printed on the fuzzy linen. Lovely, now there was some weird seventeen-year-old redhead wearing emo PJs lolling about on the cheap linoleum tiles. Apprehensively, she poked the boy with the end of the broom. He looked up at her, his mahogany eyes giving a definite I'm-really-pissed-off look.

"Stop poking me with that goddamned stick, you little brat!" he snarled. Startled by the sudden outburst, the girl flinched back.

"Hey, hey, man, chill out. What's your problem?" she asked nervously. The redhead pushed himself into a kneeling position and stood up. He shook his head, trying to get his scruffy auburn hair out of his face. Then the boy looked back at her.

"What's my problem? Heh-heh. Damned blondie brat's my problem, bet this is some kinda practical joke... Seen a kid a little taller than me, calls himself Deidara?" The girl blinked confusedly.

"Uh...no. Dude, I know everyone in town, and nobody has a name anything like Deidara."

Shaking his head slowly, the stranger pressed, "Come on. The guy has freaking _mouths_ in the _palms of his hands_. Looks like a girl, acts like a boy. He's not that hard to notice." Disgusted by the whole hand-mouth thing, the girl tossed the broom at her new guest and grabbed the phone off the wall.

"Look man, I don't know any Deidre or whoever. I'm seriously gonna call the cops if you don't scram now." He looked up suddenly.

"WAIT! Wait!" The boy was in her face, holding the phone away from her before she'd blinked. What was _up _with this dude? First he comes in the house, demands that I find some Deidara kid, and now he's moving faster than I can see him? Was she still dreaming?

"Please...please..." The boy sighed and stepped back from her, hanging his head. "My name is Sasori no Akasuna." The girl blinked a few times. She'd taken remedial Japanese in high school, but reall wasn't any good at it. She said as much. "It means Sasori of the Red Sand," he growled irittably.

"You're Sasori...of the Red Sand? That's one weird name," the girl chuckled.

"Oh yeah?" What's your name, then?" He regretted the words as soon as they came out of his mouth. He was not in control here, and as usual, his short fuse had gotten the best of him.

"Uh, sorry, but I don't just give out my name to random strangers that appear in my kitchen," she snapped.

"Ecch, sorry. I've got a bad temper," Sasori sighed. "You wouldn't happen to know of anyone called the Akatsuki either, I suppose?" The girl shook her head. "God. I'm so screwed. Where am I anyway?"

"Um...you don't even know where you are? Man, you're in America, home of the McDonalds and the bald eagle," she said, sounding quite a bit cheerier. Sasori gasped sharply.

"What? But...I was just in Japan!" The blonde looked at him like he was crazy.

"Dude, Japan's forty feet underwater. A huge earthquake hit, like, twenty years ago. Sunk the whole country like a rock."

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A/N: Huzzah! Chapter Two is up! Yeah, I bet I had you wondering 'wtf? this has nothing to do with the Akatsuki!' at the beginning, but...yeah. Stay tuned! :D R&R in the meantime.


	3. Uchiha in the Lavatory

**A/N: Summary: Something is messing with time and space in the Akatsuki lair, and Sasori is finally realized to be missing. On another note, Pein's origami collection is back from Ch. 1! –insert joyous fanfare here- **

**Speaking of Chapter One, you may be wondering how the Jashin it's related to anything. The answer is that its main purpose was setting the mood in which Sasori left his partners in crime. So he's royally pissed at all of them.**

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Deidara yawned and scratched himself, rolling out of bed as he did so. Normally, the blonde slept on the lower of the bunk beds, but seeing as he had somehow gotten into Sasori's bed, he landed on the shining wooden floor with a very loud, very painful _FWHUMP_.

"Oww, un..." he moaned, rubbing his head in pain. After the aching had subsided a bit, Dei looked back up at the two-layer sleeping arrangement he'd just fallen out of. Why was his bed suddenly on top, and for that matter, why was the bottom bunk bedecked with a bright blue, marine-animal-covered, squishy-looking down blanket? The pillow had morphed into a blindingly sky blue thing shaped something like a fish. And Kisame was snoozing happily in it, oblivious to the fact that Deidara had just fallen out of bed.

Being quite careful not to wake up the shark-man in La-La Land, the blonde scooted up the chilly metal ladder, and looked into his bed. Yes, it looked the same. His pillow and blanket were still scorched from recent and not-so-recent explosions, and smudged with bits of terracotta.

Quiet as a shinobi mouse, Dei slid back down the ladder and jabbed Kisame in the shoulder, whispering, "Kisame! Wake up, un!" Of course, the whispering was unnecessary, because fish are very light sleepers. Kisame whipped Samehada out of seemingly nowhere (like he always does) and lunged at him. Only when the weird sharky sword had Deidara pinned to the wall by the collar of his pajamas did Kisame notice that it was not, in fact, another cliché attempt at his own life by numerous unnamed ninja.

"Uh...Kisame? When did we switch beds, un?" Deidara asked timidly. The blue-skinned man blinked twice. "What?" He turned and realized that the missing Rock nin spoke the truth, just as Pein bashed the door open with a loud bang.

"HEY!" he bellowed angrily, all six of him. "WHAT DID YOU –expletive- DO WITH MY –expletive- ORIGAMI COLLECTION?" Kisame peeked over the fat Pein's rather chunky shoulder and saw all of the other Akatsuki – minus Sasori – running about and shouting in a crazed fashion.

Konan pretty much didn't even know that anything had changed, and was busy throwing paper kunai and such at anyone who came within range. Since she was in the middle of all the action, this meant that everybody was getting papercuts that would scar them for years. Poor Kakuzu was never the same.

Hidan was running from his normal room to the room where he'd somehow had his bed teleported (which was Konan's, incidentally), swearing at the top of his lungs as usual, and throwing random junk around. Somehow, quite a lot of this stuff kept hitting Tobi in the head. He swore it was a coincidence. The world may never know.

Tobi, everybody's favorite idiot, kept trying to cartwheel through the hall for some reason. Since Hidan kept bashing him in the skull with lamps and picture frames and such, Tobi eventually crawled under a desk and hoped that it would all be over soon.

Itachi was quite characteristically standing around and trying to catch somebody in his Mangekyo so he could beat the crap out of them. Let's face it, he's already under a lot of stress on a daily basis, and having his bed teleported into the bathroom didn't help.

Zetsu, because he slept in the backyard, and – although he didn't know this – his little grassy nest was well away from the effects of the dimensional fissure, had a grand old time sitting there, half-merged into the wall, and watching all the idiots run around screaming. Occasionally he'd toss a rock or something into the squabbling crowd, just to provoke them. Life was fun.

Kakuzu was busy hiding all his money. When he came out of the little money-stashing hidey-hole he'd found somewhere (which would later morph into the main hallway) the poor old geezer all but had a heart attack from seeing all the expensive and not-so-expensive things that everyone was smashing up.

Deidara really didn't help with Kakuzu's impending heart failure. Completely forgetting that he was now bunking with a fish for the time being, the blonde went racing into the madness and immediately set off several bombs he'd strewn about the house for just this purpose. Why he was prepared for this sort of thing, nobody knows.

Pein made several unsuccessful attempts to calm everybody down, but after watching Hidan smash a metal chair over Konan's head and realizing that Konan was so aggravated that she didn't even notice, Pein pulled a Tobi and ran terrified to the attic, hoping to God that he didn't run out of bottled water and batteries before this was over.

Kisame, being at this point the only person anything close to sane, quickly restrained Itachi with a mirror –Itachi had nightmares about the Uchiha coming back to life for weeks- and pinned Hidan to the wall with a swift jab of Samehada. Deidara had already run out of bombs and was sitting in a chair looking sad. Kakuzu was almost in a coma, and Tobi and Pein were hiding. That left the stone-chucking Zetsu and one very pissed kunoichi. By now Konan had already chopped off several bits of Zetsu's flytrap with origami butterflies of DEATH. He was running out of rocks, so the plant man hastily retreated back to the backyard. Now terrified to return to the house, Zetsu occupied himself for the next week or so by arguing between his halves about major issues in the U.S. like abortion.

After everyone had either calmed down or gotten themselves fastened to the wall, Pein clambered down from the attic and held a meeting.

"Okay, let's get all the new sleeping arrangements straight, first of all. Itachi, you're sleeping in the bathroom now?"

Silence.

"Right. Kisame and Deidara, you're bunking together now."

"But I don't want to sleep in a room with a fish, un!"

Ignoring Deidara's complaints, Pein continued, "Konan, Hidan, you're sharing a room now. Hidan, right now I don't give a damn about the amount of papercuts you're going to get on a daily basis," he added before the albino could open his mouth. Konan sat there looking as irritated as Naruto when he has discovered that ramen isn't on the menu.

"Kakuzu, Tobi, you're paired up now. Congratulations." Tobi bounced in his seat and cheered happily. Kakuzu attempted to jam a few threads through the idiot's eye-hole, but the masked wonder was hopping around in his seat so much that Kakuzu's elderly-man aim only succeeded in poking Tobi in the ear.

Pein let out a deep sigh, as if what he was about to say meant many days of squeezing into small spaces to sleep. "When I was...taking...refuge...in the attic, I discovered Sasori's puppets and bed where mine would usually be, and my things in the kitchen. So, I'll be siesta-ing in the kitchen from now on until we get things sorted out. Sasori, you're going to sleep in the attic."

No response.

"Sasori?"

Still no response.

Sudden realization dawned on Hidan, who was still stuck to the drywall for some reason, even though Kisame had removed Samehada. "Oh my God, I know what happened!" he screeched suddenly. As he had just yelled straight into Konan's ear, he got a paper plane in the eye for his trouble. Pein turned his head, for once in his life interested in what Hidan had to say.

"I read about this in the Bible of Jashin once! There's a hole in the fabric of the space-time continuum, and..." Kakuzu suddenly cut him off. "Why does your holy book cover what to do in case of a tear in the dimensions?" Hidan gave Kakuzu his best death stare. "Why do you think it's so –expletive- thick, you –expletive- -expletive-?"

"Anyway, it says that sometimes, when the balance of the universe is upset or some kind of crap like that, a dimensional rift opens up. Symptoms include sudden teleportation of bedrooms, flying toilets, and missing group members. Oh, and if the hole doesn't close up, anything in a 100-yard radius of the hole will...great. The page is all ripped up here," Hidan declared, reading out of his handy-dandy pocket bible. "Now will someone get me down from here?"

Deidara could be heard calling down the hallway, "Daaa-nnaaaa! Where are you, un?"

One of Pein's bodies muttered, "Well, looks like the rift's claimed its first victim."

Tobi quietly sat there, not saying anything for once. His single Sharingan swirled menacingly as he pondered everything. Slowly, calmly, he stood up and went into Deidara and Kisame's room. Pushing cushions, stuffed fish, and sacks full of exploding ceramics out from underneath the bed, Tobi eventually had enough junk out of the way so that he could see the tiny, purpley-blue, swirling hole in space and time. The gleaming red of Sharingan reflected the bright colors that danced within the gap. He scooted a little farther under the bed. If Tobi laid his ear on it just right, he could hear things. A dog barked, a happy, excited bark. The crunch of someone eating a snack. Then, he heard what he'd been waiting for. Sasori's voice. It wasn't much, but Tobi caught snatches of him muttering to himself. In between mutters there was the distinctive sound of an aerosol can being sprayed. It was him, all right. No doubt Sasori was neurotically cleaning wherever the vortex had landed him. Tobi hoped it was somewhere far away.

"Tobi? What're you doing?" Itachi, Kakuzu, and Pein all asked at once. Startled, the Uchiha shot out from under Kisame's bed, bashing his head as he did so. But as Tobi jumpily explained that he was a good boy and that he'd been looking for dust bunnies, one of Deidara's clay birds tumbled, unbeknownst to the masked man, into the portal. Perhaps it would become a reminder to someone that the Akatsuki really did exist.

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**I think this story is looking more and more like a crack/not crack hybrid by the paragraph. But whatever. And yes, Tobi wants Sasori out of the picture because he hates redheads. It runs in the family. (Sasuke hates Karin) **

**Or because Deidara is always following Danna around and Tobi wants Deimuffin to himself. -shot- No, I'm kidding. I can't stand DeiTobi.**

**R&R! :D**


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